This Saturday evening, kids were in bed and I was doing the dishes because dishwasher was still broken while Mr. Husband was paying (many) bills it hit me again. Only extra hard this time…
What happened? How on earth did I end up here?
A couple of weeks ago we were talking about when we just met. I was 28 when I met B. and, well, my life did not start from there. I always loved being guided by nothing but my own gutt feeling. Nobody to take care of, but myself. He still makes jokes about my extreme urge to freedom and making my own decisions. Do you miss that you he asked.
That question keeps resonating in my head. Because honestly? the answer is yes, I do. I sometimes feel stuck in my grown up life. Not unhappy, still blessed (yadda yadda yadda), but stuck.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind getting older, but I’m having such a hard time growing up.
This feeling has probably much to do with that tiny some sort of authority problem. I very much dislike people telling me what to do. It’s not an easy problem growing up, but I learned to cope with it and maybe even suppress it at moments.
Until now. Only difference it’s not a person telling me what to do who I can just ignore . It’s my life. And you can run from that but you can’t hide.
Waking up early because school, making sure the family is fed (preferably healthy), clean clothes, go to bed on a reasonable time, say thank you and may I, turn down the volume, clean up your room, don’t run on stairs, don’t hit your brother. And this on a tide time schedule. Pay bills, behave, be kind, be wise. Every day.
The fact that I’m making the rules instead of breaking them, makes me want to break free. At least a couple of times a year.
This probably would be a perfect time to buy a motor cycle or just gather all my belongings and run off to a new country, a new life. It’s just that I’m not a big fan of vehicles with an engine and the new country… Well that obviously didn’t work.
And you know what, I love my life too much to run.
Of course it’s all about being satisfied with what you do have, because nobody can have it all. And I know there are people who would do anything to have my boring life.So I guess I just have to figure out how I deal with this feeling, that sometimes sneaks up on me, and in the meantime stimulate my children to choose their own path and let them break some rules. Once in a while.
Vie, maybe we can start an Alice in Wonderland Anonymous support group? It can’t be just us right? Anyone interested in joining?
Have a lovely weekend friends! Next week we’re back to funny selfies, I promise!