Last week I wrote about my need to have this place tidied up and full of design and beautiful plants. But to be honest, I think I overreacted. Because all I need is those two loves of mine.
I started working this week and I really looked forward to it. Although I loved being there, meeting new people, decorating my humungous office, I missed them. I missed her. And she missed me.
Three days of day care in row, with B taking her and picking her up is too much to ask for a mama’s girl. I left before she woke up and came home right before bedtime. I have never seen her face sparkle more than the last two days when she saw me step through the door. She hugged me saying, “mama’s very sweet, J cuddle mama” over and over again. That combined with B telling me she cried for me at day care (something she never did before) breaks my heart.
I forgot what a huge step it must be for her, to leave her safe place in Amsterdam and see me leave too in only two weeks time. And I think she knew from the start that things would change between her and me. It explains why she kept screaming for me when B put her to bed or tried to change her clothes or diapers. It explains why she wouldn’t leave my side, even when I visibly lost my patience with her.
If only I knew. If only I would have looked and listened closer. If only I would have done anything better than what I did, I wouldn’t have felt such a lousy mother.
Now I’m sitting here crying while she’s having the sleep she really needs. It was a fucking tough morning, we were not on the same page, but I realize she’s unwinding from all the new things happening in her little life (and I think I am too). But there’s no better place to do that than with me. I’m her mother. And even if I suck at it from time to time, I love her like crazy and she knows. Maybe that’s what matters most. Without a doubt more than a refined interior.
Now back to unwinding myself some more before I mess up with B too.