If only I knew

if only i knew

Last week I wrote about my need to have this place tidied up and full of design and beautiful plants. But to be honest, I think I overreacted. Because all I need is those two loves of mine.

I started working this week and I really looked forward to it. Although I loved being there, meeting new people, decorating my humungous office, I missed them. I missed her. And she missed me.

Three days of day care in row, with B taking her and picking her up is too much to ask for a mama’s girl. I left before she woke up and came home right before bedtime. I have never seen her face sparkle more than the last two days when she saw me step through the door. She hugged me saying, “mama’s very sweet, J cuddle mama” over and over again. That combined with B telling me she cried for me at day care (something she never did before) breaks my heart.

I forgot what a huge step it must be for her, to leave her safe place in Amsterdam and see me leave too in only two weeks time. And I think she knew from the start that things would change between her and me. It explains why she kept screaming for me when B put her to bed or tried to change her clothes or diapers. It explains why she wouldn’t leave my side, even when I visibly lost my patience with her.

If only I knew. If only I would have looked and listened closer. If only I would have done anything better than what I did, I wouldn’t have felt such a lousy mother.

Now I’m sitting here crying while she’s having the sleep she really needs. It was a fucking tough morning, we were not on the same page, but I realize she’s unwinding from all the new things happening in her little life (and I think I am too). But there’s no better place to do that than with me. I’m her mother. And even if I suck at it from time to time, I love her like crazy and she knows. Maybe that’s what matters most. Without a doubt more than a refined interior.

Now back to unwinding myself some more before I mess up with B too.

XV

4 Comments

  1. Anna February 19, 2015

    Mooi geschreven. Ik voel het met je mee tijdens lezen. En het komt goed, echt. Desalniettemin sterkte, altijd heftig grote veranderingen met die kleintjes

    Reply
  2. Julie February 19, 2015

    Dikke smakkerd! Is ook wennen voor iedereen.

    Reply
  3. Sarah February 19, 2015

    Ken het gevoel. Het suckt en blijft sucken. Maar hopelijk haal je voldoening uit je job en daar heeft ze (na een wenperiode) ook baat bij.
    Je doet het goed mama
    Xxx

    Reply
  4. Danielle February 19, 2015

    Prachtig beschreven en snap je gevoel zo goed! Gaat hier nu ook een beetje zo… Had gehoopt dat we die fase alweer voorbij waren maar met school begint dat dus weer opnieuw! Geeft je misschien alvast wat hoop! ;-) Dikke knuffel!

    Reply

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