What is it with negative experiences hanging around in your head longer than the positive ones? Or negative thoughts about yourself, what you did, who you are. It’s just how our (or should i say my) brain works. Negative versus positive 1-0.
Yesterday I came home. Happy to see my people again. J running around in our tiny garden and B making diner. After a while I asked how things were at daycare. B said her teacher told him that they call her Ruby Rascal. Pushing the limits (or other kids). Do unacceptable things and wait for the other to respond while making eye contact. Defending her stuff with her whole body as if it’s a pot of gold. You know?!
He smiled and finished his story with “the teacher laughed about it saying it’s still a lot of fun with her”. But I didn’t hear it anymore. He had me at Ruby Rascal pushing the limits. My head went full speed. In short: “Rascal means bad girl means bad mother”. And there it was. The projection of my own fear to be a bad mother, a bad person, on my little girl.
Of course my child’s behaviour depends on what I teach her. But this wasn’t about me. This was about her being a normal two-year old exploring the world and trying to find out how people work, how she works. I love her for that and people love her for that too. I need to say this to myself out loud. Often. I’m that negative versus positive 1-0 person. But not when it comes to her. She needs me to be 0-1 or at least 0-0. I can do that.
PS. reminds me of a lecture I attended about good enough motherhood. I should write about that some time.